Happiest of Holidays to the Miami Dolphins

By: Chip Turner

The holidays are here, and Miami Dolphins fans are a little more festive than usual this year. Even after a tough loss to Kansas City, even the most jaded fans are starting to understand that this Miami Dolphins team is different. Tua Tagovailoa very nearly brought the team all the way back against the reigning World Champions with a supporting cast that was dropping all around him like characters at the end of Platoon.
 
The Dolphins have truly been a gift this year, arriving earlier than expected like a surprise album release from your favorite artist. They’re fighting for a playoff spot when most “experts” predicted them wining no more than 7 games.
 
In exchange, I’ve put together a (hopefully) humorous list of gifts for most of the Dolphins players. For those I excluded, I wish nothing but happiness and prosperity…and more exposure, so I know what to properly wish for them next year.
 
To Jerome Baker: The ability at any time and from anywhere, to know the exact location of his Mama.
 
To Andrew Van Ginkel: Mjolnir. He’s clearly Asgardian and worthy of ruling.

To Tua Tagovailoa: More weapons to run a high-powered RPO, wide receivers who can get separation, and a hammer of a running back to keep opposing linebackers honest.
 
To Xavien Howard: Defensive Player of the Year Honors and autographed photos of himself to send to every NFL quarterback outside of Miami. Why, you ask? Because for whatever reason, they keep throwing at him as if they don’t know who he is.
 
To Byron Jones: A secret identity, so more QBs don’t know who he is.
 
To Nik Needham and Eric Rowe: Bigger fan clubs for the jobs they’ve done. Additionally, fruit baskets to Doug Pederson and Bill Belichick for underutilizing Eric Rowe in the first place.
 
To OL rookies Austin Jackson, Solomon Kindley, and Robert Hunt, along with Ted Karras and Jesse Davis: A long, prosperous career together as Miami Dolphins. Seriously, you guys have no idea how long most Dolphins fans have waited for a good offensive line.
 
To Ereck Flowers: A bit more recognition for the job he’s done turning his career around.
 
To Raekwon Davis: More people to react to him the way Brian Flores reacted to drafting him this past April (and now we know why).
 
To Christian Wilkins: Absolutely nothing. Christian Wilkins appears to be one of the happiest dudes I’ve ever seen. I don’t want to mess up a gift for him and potentially ruin that.
 
To Lynn Bowden, Jr.: More opportunities. Honestly, I think that’s all he needs.   
 
To Jakeem Grant and Myles Gaskin: A lifetime supply of Stickum. We love you guys, we really do. And we want you to stick around.
 
To Emmanuel Ogbah:  A well-deserved Pro Bowl berth.
 
To Mike Gesicki: Good health, well-wishes, and the promise that nobody ever again drops him on his head and shoulder like what happened this past Sunday ever again.
 
To Clayton Fejedelem, Noah Igbinoghene, and Sam Eguavoen: The proper pronunciation of their last names by every NFL announcer.
 
To DeVante Parker and Preston Williams: Healthy returns from injury this year and lots of 50/50 jump balls.
 
To Bobby McCain: The love he deserves from Dolphins fans. Bobby McCain might be the most underrated player on the entire team.
 
To Kyle Van Noy: More face time on NFL programming. The guy is clearly having fun this year, and we all love to watch him.
 
To Jason Sanders: A 60 yard-plus field goal attempt. Because, seriously, we’re all curious.
 
To Ryan Fitzpatrick: Another shot as a starting NFL QB, if that’s what he wants. Just…not in Miami, please, because that would mean bad things have happened.
 
To Chris Grier: A lackey walking behind him at all times playing Aretha Franklin’s “Respect” on a continuous loop. I was originally going to wish for a second lackey to walk slightly behind the first with a hand cupped to his ear to hear any residual complaints, but I’m pretty sure that would be wasted at this point.
 
To Brian Flores: Coach of the Year Honors. I tried to think of something else to gift Brian Flores, but it seems he has everything else under control. He’s already given Dolphins fans the best present they’ve had in years; a fun, ascending team that is a joy to watch in development.
 
Along those lines; last but not least:
 
To Steven Ross: I’m not entirely certain there’s a lot I could wish for the multi-billionaire this year that he doesn’t already have. But come back next year, because there’s this trophy named after some “Lombardi” guy he might have a realistic shot at raising in February of 2022.